loneliness

As much as i hate to admit it i’m super lonely and it sucks!

I have the most awesome friends and family who are always there for me but i really do feel at times so lonely it hurts when you sit and feel stupidly emotional and like everything has gone to shit when no matter how many people are around you you still feel like your super alone.

I know this sounds like a woe is me post but i know i’m not the only one who’ll feel like this at times, sometimes i honestly feel like packing a bag and pissing off cause i wouldn’t be missed but i know the feeling will pass after a good cry and a few glasses of wine.

This is the longest i’ve been single for 15 months of singledom will get to a girl! i miss feeling wanted by someone the good morning and goodnight texts some one who wants to know how your day has gone or someone to give you a cuddle and a kiss on the forehead and the little stolen looks and smiles i’ve gotten to that point that i honestly don’t think i’ll end up finding someone who will want me because most of time men only want me for one thing or mess me about or ghost me and i’m honestly to old for this shit anymore :’) i stopped looking for Mr.right cause i don’t think hes out there for me i’m meant to be like the crazy cat lady of the simpsons and i’ve completely come to terms with it but who knows miracles can happen.

When i was younger i was guilty of entering relationships to quickly mainly because i hated my own company i couldn’t sit in a room by myself and be happy about it i’d go out and drink stupid amounts and spend time with people who weren’t my friends or had my best interests at heart it wasn’t till i had my son that i learned who was actually my friends and who just used me or didn’t give a shit and its been the same with relationships i give to much to quickly and then end up hurt used and cheated on, during the first lockdown i had no choice but to sit and enjoy my own company because the world closed down and i literally had no choice :’) i had so many things going on and felt so alone and being cooped up with all this shit going on i had no choice but to sit and stop being so hard on myself to tell myself that i didn’t deserve to be treated like shit by men who didn’t deserve my time or me because i am worthy of love and i am worthy of being treated like the absolute queen i am! and to tell myself yes love you might be curvy but learn to love it and use it to your advantage and know that you shouldn’t be ashamed and hide it away under baggy oversized clothes at 32 i try so hard to give this image that i’m ok and i’m super confident and i can be loud and have a i don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks off me attitude when really i’m the most un-confident and forever feel like i’m never good enough i have full on imposter syndrome 99% of the time.

I know most of the time when its a bad day my friends who are the absolute dogs bollocks btw will message me or knock to chat and i feel loads better and i know that if i needed to sit and chat or cry or have a breakdown that they would be there with a glass of wine and as i would do for them, if it wasn’t for my friends and mum these past 6 months especially i wouldn’t of been able to do it without them i know we have are moments but i honestly love you all whether we talk every day or once a month you’ll all amazing.

This has been more of ramble than anything but remember we all feel lonely and horrible at times but we all get threw it we just have to keep are head in a good place and talk to friends or family or do something to distract us because life is far to short to waste it.

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