I’ve spoken about my anxiety a million times but i thought i’d give you a little insight into how my weird ass brain works in all situations of life!
I can be absolutely fine for ages then one little thing can trigger a load of different reactions! it’s never just one thing that kicks it off it can be anything from friendship to dating to just life in general convinced my brain thinks oooo its all going good and she’s feeling happy lets mess with her for shits and giggles to pass the time.
My least favourite anxiety kick off is when my brain convinces me that i’m annoying folk or they don’t like me so i stop talking and go AWOL and then after a few days when my brain stops being a knob i either message like i ain’t fell of the face of the earth for a few days or i get to scared to message and then like a month has gone by and i’ve just made life more awkward than i needed to :’)
So i thought i’d give you some situations on how a ‘normal’ brain would look at a situation and then how mine would deal with it and what i do, at the time it’s not funny but even i look at how i deal with something sometimes later on and think Sarah Jayne you absolute silly bint :’)
The Situation– I’ve messaged someone and they’ve not replied but they’re online.
‘Normal’ brain – Person is obviously busy and they’ll reply when they get five minutes.
My brain – See your obviously annoying them they’ve got better things to do than to talk to you! you should just stop talking to them that’s what they want……………….never mind they’ve just replied :’)
Also I tend not to message folk first I wait for them to message me as a kind of it’s sound
The Situation – Someone being nice and telling you they find you attractive and fancy you.
Normal brain– Who the fuck wouldn’t to be fair i’m the dogs bollocks!
My brain- Well they’ve obviously made a bet with someone why the feck would they like me i’m a crank! obviously need to go specsavers! I don’t believe them there is a load of beautiful slimmer girls why would they pick me over them!
True story my ex husband i was convinced that he’d made a bet with his mates about dating me because i looked nothing like any of his friends gfs i honestly stuck out like a sore thumb! kept thinking he’d break up with me even on our wedding day i was convinced he would turn round and tell me it was a bet that went to far and he couldn’t find a way to get out of it :’)
The Situation – Taking a good old selfie.
Normal brain– Yes mate i look amazing sticking it on socials and that’s it.
My brain- Sit for an hour picking out everything i don’t like about it, stick about 12 different filters on it and still end deleting it and retaking it about 20 times before i stick another filter on it and post it and still sit thinking i look awful i’m deleting that tomorrow.
I tend to take pictures after a few drinks because then i don’t over think and sit and pick out everything i don’t like so 90% of the pics on my socials you can guarantee i’ve had a drink or i’m pissed :’)
The Situation– Having a down day feeling a bit crappy.
Normal brain– Don’t be hard on yourself! tomorrow is another day and no two days are the same, talk to someone problem shared is a problem halved.
My brain- Well fuck it what is the point! no one likes you anyway, no point in talking to anyone because they’ve got there own shit going on why on earth would they wanna listen to yours too! spend the day ignoring everyone and sleeping.
Every month i have a week where my brain is thinking like this and it was hard as shit to carry on trying to be ‘normal’ i reached breaking point and ended up talking about it got told i have a condition called premenstrual dysphoric disorder so basically my body can’t handle the change in hormones and makes me feel like i’m loosing the plot :’) but with meds it calms down and i don’t feel so helpless and lost and like i’m failing at life i just thought it was me but it turns out my body turns on itself and has a pure hate mission against itself :’)
These are just a few situations of how my weird ass brain works and some make me sound nuts and to be honest i agree even i have moments where i think you can’t be serious Sarah :’) it’s mad how your own brain can literally make you make a mountain out of a mole hill and convince you that there’s a million and one different things happening!
It’s bloody exhausting at times to over think literally everything that happens day to day some days are way easier than others but i have no choice but to deal with it and it can make my days more fun because lets face it at the moment life is a bit boring with constant lockdowns and not being able to see other humans!
At least being friends or dating me its never gonna be boring :’)
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Fat Bird Thinking 