Well 2020 was a fucking werid old year wasn’t it!
This year has been one the most crazy weird years we’ve all had to go threw and I for one can’t wait to see the end of it! I began the year thinking this was the year I was gonna do something with myself I signed up to do a nail art course in January was planning on going to collage and I was in top of my anxiety, roll on the end of march and I wasn’t allowed to even go anywhere, schools closed for six months and day drinking became a thing that we all did to cope with the shit show that was lockdown part 1! My anxiety got to rediculous levels that I honestly didn’t see anyway out of it and nearly did something stupid.
Now we’re nearly at the end of year and it feels like this year has gone on forever but I’ve done Alot and Alot of stuff has happened, for a start I began writing this blog and so many of you have taken five mins out of your day to read my stuff and it means the absolute world to me especially when people inbox me and tell me they’ve been threw similar things, I got divorced which was what I needed to do to end a chapter of my life that started out amazing and in the end was toxic as fuck and to be in control of something for the first time in a long time, I’ve gotten back in touch with old friends which has been amazing! I’ve made some new friends and unfortunately grown apart from other friends which is sad but it happens as we get older doesn’t mean I don’t love them any less and still would be there for them I also wish them all the love and positive vibes for the future because I’ve got nothing against them and didn’t grow apart on bad terms and will always be grateful for the shitty stuff they’ve been there for me threw ❤️ my anxiety and mental health got rediculously bad where I spent most days crying or not wanting to get out of bed and being shit scared to leave my house because of my panic attacks! I’ve had to learn all over again to get on top of it and control my thoughts and body and some days are loads easier than others but I’m getting there!
These are just a few things thats happened Alot of stuff I keep private believe it or not 😂 and to myself because I struggle to talk about it I was in two minds about whether I should include it but I’m going to because this is why I’ve been Mia from my blog social media and life in general! my son has been on the waiting list for his assessment for autism Asperger syndrome is what they think he has and also ADHD thanks to covid were having to wait longer which is hard because I’ve been trying to get this sorted since he was 3 and he’s now 9, when he’s having a good day he’s the most sweetest loving child who will help out or go and play with no complaints you wouldn’t even know he was there half the time! But when he’s having a bad day I honestly dread getting up because I know from when he gets up to the moment he goes to bed it’s gonna be a struggle to cope with what he’ll do, it can range from throwing stuff round the house to completely trashing my house to bits and kicking and punching the shit out of doors, he can get aggressive towards me before now he’s battered me black and blue and ive has to hide the bruises and marks all that I can to a degree deal with but lately he’s been verbally aggressive from calling me a fat ugly bitch and that he hates me to the worst thing he’s ever said to me which is he wished I would just hurry up and go kill myself, hearing these things every day as soon as you’ve woken up till you go to bed is hard as fuck to deal with when your told these things every day you start to agree with whats being said, now these are some of the reasons I’ve not been active in group chats or replying to some messages and taken myself away from social media because my brain completely agreed with him a few weeks ago it got a little to much and I sat and wrote a long ass letter basically saying Id had enough of fighting and I just wanted shit to stop because I didn’t have the fight in me anymore I even put whos presents where who’s and that I wanted the kids to know it was a million times easier without me, I sobbed writing this letter whilst my kids where in the other room once I’d finished I had it in my head that the next day id do the school run text all the people I needed to text and let them know how much they mean to me and that I loved them and was sorry and I’d take myself off and do what I thought was the right thing! My daughter came into my room saw me crying grabbed me in the tightest hug I’ve ever been given and out of the blue told me to never leave her because no one would ever be able to love her as much as I did and it would make her sad to not have me, she didn’t have a clue what I’d just been doing but something clicked in my head that what I was planning wasn’t a solution at all and I was a fucking idiot for even thinking about it! I ripped the letter up and instead of pretending it never happened I told someone about it and what I had planned to do and I got help.
Now I’m not telling you this for sympathy or for people to say aw poor Sarah to be honest I didn’t even wanna talk about it as I’m embarrassed I let myself get to that point I’m telling you because I know so many people especially during this time of year are feeling hopeless and battling their own minds I just wanna tell you trust me it’ll pass and you’ll be so grateful you didn’t do what you planned, talk to me talk to someone don’t suffer alone! We always feel like we don’t wanna worry others and feel like a bit of burden we stick a smile on and act like we’re fine but please talk and get help you deserve so much more!
I’m now feeling Alot more like myself again I’m still struggling to reply to folk but it’s just because I don’t wanna overload my brain it’s nothing against anyone and I’ve stayed away from social media but I’ll be back in January writing and getting involved more 😁
So yeah 2020 was a total mind fuck that nearly made me loose my mind on more than one occasion but its made me stronger too! I’ve gotten into meditation which is amazing don’t knock it till you’ve tried it especially with the amazing @eddymirrormorgan on Instagram who has the biggest heart of gold ever! I’ve written load of things I’m super proud of and I’ve learnt that I’m only human and need to talk more and not bottle shit up!
God knows what 2021 will bring but I’m ready for it!!
I hope everyone has an amazing Christmas and I hope everyone’s 2021 is what ever they wanna make of it ❤️
Till next year guys I love you all
Xxxxxxxxx
Fat Bird Thinking 