I’d like to start of by saying a massive thank you to everyone who read my last blog post “a love letter” I had nearly 200 views which blew my mind so many lovely comments and inboxes from people you all made me so happy that you all enjoyed it and realised you all deserved to be loved as much as the next person ♥️
So it’s been nearly a month since I last wrote my last blog post and I thought I’d come and tell you all why it’s taken me a while to write anything else and the truth of it is I’m feeling really sad and down and haven’t been able to shake these feelings off at all, I’ve had Alot of stuff happen in the past 12 months and I think it’s all gotten to me all at once I was doing really fine and managing to just get on with life but I think my brain has finally gone fuck me we’ve been threw Alot this past 12 months let’s have a meltdown!
In the past 12 months I’ve split up with my husband, went threw a divorce, a worldwide pandemic, high level anxiety as well as finding out a lot of shitty things that happened during my marriage that made me feel like shit how I’ve not had a complete mental break down I don’t know 😂 but I was still managing to function like it was fine and I was okay.
I’m not okay at all if I’m being honest it feels like I completely wasted six and a half years of my life thinking someone loved me when they pretty much didn’t give a shit otherwise they wouldn’t of done all the shit I’ve recently found out about, for nearly 2 years I blamed myself for something that I thought was my fault and then realised it wasn’t which was a huge relief but someone else’s actions. I’m Learning so much now and I have to face the fact everything wasn’t how I thought it was but there is fuck all I can do about it now so no longer will I let it all control me.
Usually my mental health will go threw a little patch then I’ll be fine but like I said I’ve been stuck for weeks in this little down and depressive mood that I can’t shift I’m making every excuse under the sun not to see people, I’m having panic attacks even doing the simplest of things like shopping the amount of times I’ve burst out crying down on the main Rd is ridiculous but I hide most of it so well that when I do see people I put on the mask of I’m fine when I’m not my hair has even started falling out from stress so much that I have little bald patches.
I can literally go from looking like the above photo to looking like this in half hour
Taking myself from the world and crying in bed till I fall asleep, its absolutely exhausting feeling like this constantly whilst trying to be a good mum as well as look after all the chores and function like a normal human.
For a week and half I was falling asleep at night getting up taking the kids to school coming home and falling back asleep because it hurt less to be asleep than have to deal with all the stress and shit in my head and feeling the most lonely I’ve ever felt in my life even tho I have a little gang of friends who I can talk to about anything because if I talk to people it makes it all real and I’d rather it wasn’t, I’m forever saying to people if your in a bad place Im a text or a phone call away but when it’s me in that place my brain tells me no one wants to hear and to keep it to myself.
I’ve been in a dark place where I genuinely think what is the point no one would even miss me if I wasn’t here everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here anyways, I’m not ashamed to admit it cause it makes me human no one’s life is perfect and we all have times when our brains make us feel like this but I’m 99% sure I’d never have the guts to actually act on them feelings because I know what it’s like to lose someone in that way and how if effects everyone else just because it stops you from hurting in that moment it hurts everyone you leave behind more than you could ever imagine and I couldn’t do that to my kids or my mum.
I’ll get there eventually and get out of this episode but I wanted to write this to be honest with people I push people away because I feel like it’s to much for them to be able to cope with me but instead of telling them I just stop talking and people think I’m being funny or I’m not interested and it’s far from that I just don’t know how to get it worded right or to not sound like I’m loosing the plot, life is bloody hard and we all struggle but we will all get threw it.
When my brain isn’t being such a dick I’ll be back writing funny stories and embarrassing myself with reveling to much as always but just bare with me
♥️♥️♥️
Fat Bird Thinking 