A love letter to all the guys I’ve liked, loved and lost and the ones I admire from afar❤️

It’s no secret I’m super shit at finding love and relationships soon as a guy hears your a single mum they think your only good enough for one thing 🤷‍♀️ plus I never ever feel like I’m good enough I always feel like they’re with me till something better comes along or that they are just settling and I’ll do, to be fair if you had the choice of either me the chunky Tattooed crank or a slim beautiful bird I’d go for the second option too 😂

So I decided I would write this “love” letter to all these people to try and get my words down and stop thinking I’m not good enough and to be honest with folk might all go down the shitter instead of a positive direction but oh well!

Dear love,lust, lost and admiring from afar,

well where do i start?!?!?

when i was younger i thought love was the most wonderful thing ever! you would see it in films girl meets boy they fall in love and live happily ever after if only real life was the same ey! the amount of times i genuinely thought someone loved me and i loved them to then find out they had cheated or lied was unreal, i’m a hopeless romantic so once i let my guard down and feel secure with you i trust you with my whole heart i’ll tell you things i would usually keep hidden to myself and i would do anything for you so many of you have taken advantage of this and made me feel like i’m not worthy of love or like i’m never good enough so i would just like to say a big fuck you to all the people that have ever made me feel like that and you won’t win! because i still believe fate or the universe will show me someone who makes all them feelings jog on and never make me second guess myself ever again and who won’t me feel like i’m wanted for just a good night and nothing else.

no longer will i cry myself to sleep for days although i don’t think i’ll give up nights with the girls putting the world to rights and drinking cocktails and getting that drunk we do karaoke and laugh till we cry happy tears i’ll happily keep them nights but i won’t keep the nights i sit in my sweat pants with my hair piled on top of my head eating shite and watching shit films that make me cry and feel worse you can happily have them nights back!

I want texts that make me smile everytime i see your name pop up on my phone and when i read what you’ve sent make the butterflies work overtime in my tummy instead of getting a text that makes me wonder what you’ve done or who you’ve done now.

no longer will i be changing myself and how i look to make someone like me and feel comfortable to be seen outside in public with me you either love me for my weird dress sense fabulous chunky pierced tattooed awesome birdness or non at all.

I will be comforted when i’m having a bad time with my mental health not be made to feel ashamed of it or told to suck it up it ain’t that bad, you won’t make jokes at my expense you won’t make me feel bad for having a bad day.

When i tell you i have feelings for you you won’t play on them to get what you want then tell me you didn’t feel the same you’ll tell me the truth instead of being a dick an playing on my emotions you either like me or you don’t please don’t lie to me i’ve had enough of that shit over the years.

you will not make me feel bad for being a good mum and putting my children first and being my first priority before you, you have to realise i can’t just drop everything and go out i have to plan shit and i only really have one full day and night to myself if you want to do something i need a few days notice if i like you i’ll work something out to have that time with you ok.

you have to embrace the fact i’m a bit crazy in a good way i’m a sarcastic bitch with a vile sense of humour ok if you can’t handle it then move along :’)

I know i don’t look the type but i do like a good old fashioned romantic gesture back in the day guys used to buy me flowers when they’d done something wrong i’d like that to change and be bought flowers just because you wanted to do something nice or tell me your gonna come and cook my tea because you know i’ve had one of them days or turn up with my favourite chocolate and a bottle of wine and tell me to pick a film, don’t worry i will return the gestures i’m not the type of girl who thinks you should buy everything for her or pay for nights out etc i’m not that old school.

You have to be patient with me past relationships have fucked up my ideas of how i should be treated and sometimes i find it hard to accept compliments or i’ll try and find something wrong in a good situation because i’m not used to it i might do your head in for a bit looking for constant reassurance but please bare with me.

Do not be offended if i don’t introduce you to my children right away they have been threw a lot and the last thing i want to do is to introduce them to someone and them grow close to them for them to then leave their lives and them to worry they’ve done something wrong, you’ll always be introduced as my friend at first so don’t get butt hurt about that either.

My friends are all crazy loud and off their heads if i ever feel comfortable enough to introduce you to any of them and you don’t get on please don’t make me choose between you or them because they will win everytime no dick is worth loosing friends for ok! :’)

I’m 31 i’m getting to old for games so from the start you tell me what you want it to be between us ok i’m not the type of girl who does the whole friends with benefits thing anymore because feelings always get involved and its gonna end up being me that gets hurt so tell me exactly what you want from me and don’t lie.

Don’t cheat on me!!! if you want someone else be the decent person and break up whatever it is we have decided we have and then go shag someone else don’t do it whilst your still with me because it always ends up coming out in the end if its from you or other people telling me don’t be a gobshite only gobshites cheat.

If i tell you i love you i genuinely mean it its not something i throw about often so don’t do something to make me regret ever letting myself let feelings for you go that far.

everyone deserves to be happy and loved its two of the greatest and easiest things to do in the world that is free and i hope that i get to do that with someone else one day, the past year i’ve learned to love and be happy with myself and if your the right person i’d happily share them feelings with you as long as you don’t make me regret it!

so this is my “love” letter to the future of my love life (most prob end up being a load of cats :’) )

to the ones i like read it and don’t make the mistakes of others i don’t really need much in life,

to the ones i’ve loved and lost at the time i thought you were everything but most of you made me feel like i was never good enough or did things and made it feel like it was my fault at the time i felt like it was the end of the world and i would never feel happy again but up yours i’m better off without you 🙂

and to the ones i admire from afar Tom Hardy, Jason Momoa and Lewis Capaldi i love you :’)

yours truly

Sarah Jayne (fatbirdthinking)

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