Anxiety and bad vibes go hand in hand you try as hard as possible to be positive but that bit in your Brain is constantly trying to turn it into something bad and at some point you just give up with trying to fight with it and agree.
I think for a lot of people lockdown has been a massive struggle for us all mentally but now that everything is slowly getting back to normal its even worse, before lockdown i was slowly building myself up to be on top of my anxiety most days i’d signed up to do courses to better myself and i was forcing myself to go out more but then a long came corona and i’m right back to the start where i’m worried to leave the house because everytime i do i’m having a panic attack unless i’ve had a few drinks there’s no chance i can go any further than a few shops close to my house before i have to go back to my ‘safe place’ i am literally a big ball of anxiety and bad vibes 99% of the time at the moment and it sucks big hairy balls.
I miss the days of simply being able to leave my house and not feel the absolute fear i feel every day, i miss being able to go see family and friends because now they live to far for me to get myself together enough to feel like i could do the taxi trip i think the longest i’ve managed to do so far was about six minutes before i started panicking and had to get out the car and have a full blown panic attack, i feel like my kids are missing out on a lot because i can’t get my panic attacks and fear under control enough to be able to go places and i miss out on so much with them because other family members take them for me, I sit and think to myself how the hell am i ever gonna meet someone or have a relationship when i can just about leave my house some days its not fair to expect them to constantly come to me and do things close to my mine because it makes me feel safer it doesn’t work like that.
This is just some of the things my brain is constantly thinking its exhausting to battle that and then try and push it to one side and think positive because that little knobhead bit of my brain telling me all these bad things loves to over power the logical thinking and positive part and being stuck in threw lock down that parts grew like the incredible hulk and i honestly worry that i’m never going to be able to get it under control it again.
If someone came to me tomorrow and said there is a pill you can take and it’ll sort it all out and you’ll feel normal again i’d take it in a heartbeat! i’m tired of feeling like i’m failing at everything and that i’m never gonna be able to go out properly i think i’d happily sell for my soul to wake up tomorrow and be able to what i use to do and took for granted.
Simple things like taking my kids the park and going into town for a meal with them its stupid but i really miss going to primark and spending money on shit we don’t really need but we would get anyway or for a walk round Albert Dock watching the sun setting i took all this for granted and it kills me that i can’t seem to get myself to a point where i can do this again and feel ok and safe.
I can hand on heart honestly say i don’t know if i’m gonna ever feel normal again i don’t know if i’m gonna get to a point i feel confident enough to do things again that i used to love doing but whilst there is air in my lungs and that bit of fight left to not just accept it and not do anything about it i will try and find a way to deal with it and come back bigger and better i just really wanna feel normal and free again if not for me then for my kids.
I started my blog as a way of getting all my feelings down and hoping that if anyone else who reads them even related a little or a lot to them knew they weren’t alone, i know the past few posts i’ve done have been serious as shit but i didn’t wanna even try and write funny stuff when that’s not how i was feeling, it still amazes me so many people have took the time to read anything i’ve written and you all have absolutely made my days a bit brighter when i’ve read comments and seen how many have read my posts. I’m hoping that i’ll soon be back to funny and uplifting blog posts but i wanted to be honest about how i’ve been during lockdown and that not everyone dealt with it well.
I’m hoping in the next coming months that fat bird thinking gets her act together and can make you all giggle again but i honestly wanted to tell you all thank you so much for everything you all mean the world to me!
xxxxx
Fat Bird Thinking 