Emotional walls we are all guilty of building them up high and being stubborn as shit at letting them down because usually when we do someone always proves why we shouldn’t of let them down and we get hurt again and build that bitch right back up higher and higher everytime to a point we think one day we might actually forget how to let them down.
Anyone that knows me knows i’m a sarcastic dark sense of humour type of girl who uses that to deal with emotions and situations and very rarely will let my walls down and let you see me vulnerable or sad it takes a lot for me to trust folk and 9 times out of 10 folk let me down, as i’ve got older my close friends the type who have seen me in a bad way and helped me threw bad times not just the good who have seen me at my worst and still stuck around i can count them all on one hand the ones i know who would never use anything i’ve ever said or done against me who’ll always be there for me even if we don’t see each other all the time i know if i messaged them they’d be right there for me.
my emotional walls are strong and high when it comes to relationships years and years of dating gobshites and 98% them using me or doing things i didn’t deserve most of the men i’ve dated have been emotionally abusive and that plays a huge part of me not trusting people, for people to abuse others mentally is one of the most heartless things someone can do to tear someone down from being confident, strong willed and happy to someone who’s second guessing everything she does, hating herself and relying on a man to do stuff because you think you can’t do it alone isn’t right.
it’s always the same at the start they literally treat you like your the most amazing thing to come into their life they tell you everything you want to hear and they make you feel amazing they tell you how much you mean to them and how much they love you and you fall fast because how could they ever do anything to hurt you! you let your walls down and tell them things that’s happened in the past and you allow yourself to feel emotions and start relying on them and then little things happen at first and you brush it off when in actual fact its life throwing a big fat red flag your way trying to tell you BITCH IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN but you ignore it cause that’s what we do we like to think this time its different, then before you know it there telling you you shouldn’t see your friends because he does’t like them and they’re trying to turn you against him so everytime your asked to go out you think of some shitty excuse and don’t go out because if you do he won’t speak to you for two days afterwards and make you feel like you’ve done something wrong for actually going out and spending time with someone else other than him! they make snide remarks about the size of your bum or that you look like you have more than one chin if you look down, so obviously you start to feel shit about yourself the last thing you want to do is have sex so that’s when they start accusing you of cheating and getting it from someone else and anytime you get a text you get oh that’s obviously your secret fella who’ll you’ll shag but not me messaging you, they do all this and much worse but you still think its fine because they tell you they love you or they buy you flowers or a present and when your out in public put on the perfect show so they know if you told people what was going on there’s a big chance they wouldn’t believe you because look this man adores you there’s no way he would do anything like that without reason!
Mental abuse is one of the hardest things to deal with because unless you have someone else witness it its the hardest thing to prove that its happening and you want to believe so bad that its not because you love them and you start blaming yourself i obviously must of provoked it etc but you need to get out i’d rather be alone then ever have to do deal with any of that shit ever again.
God it got a bit deep there didn’t it!
I’ve written in my blog before i’m recently divorced i’m 31 a mum of two having to start this whole dating world again and it genuinely scares the shit out of me! i dated someone earlier in the year they did the whole you mean alot to me and he told me he was falling in love with me i let my walls down allowed myself to get feelings and feel secure and he basically shit all over it he knew exactly what to say for him to get what he wanted but instead of being honest and telling it how it was was a cruel bastard and happily played on emotions and then got offended when i told him to fuck off and never speak to me again. I’ve spent the past 10 months working on myself learning to love myself again and feel confident in myself again and i’m scared as shit for what the future holds for my love life knowing my luck fate has me growing old fat and alone with 20 cats but oh well! i want to find someone who doesn’t wanna change anything about me thinks i’m awesome just as i am who won’t be afraid to call me out when i’m wrong but won’t do it in a dick way! who’ll buy me flowers not to apologise but because they wanted to do something nice and make me smile, someone who’ll accept the fact that i’m a bit broken and worn down and i might mask things with sarcastic comments and vile jokes and have days where i’m a mess and still think yeah shes alright her i’ll keep her.
At the end of the day we all want to find someone and be loved but we shouldn’t for settle for anything less than the best because no matter what we’ve gone threw everyone deserves the best for them and to be happy.
xxxxxx
Fat Bird Thinking 