Lonely times

Do you ever have the feeling that even when you have a close relationship with family and an awesome little group of good friends who you can speak to about anything that you feel like you’re really lonely in life, some days feel like you could stand in the middle of a crowded place and scream and no one would even notice that is pretty much how my head feels most days.

I think lockdown and the whole corona situation has massively effected everyone’s mental health and some are better at dealing with it than others, i’ve for the most kept myelf busy and managed to keep on top of it but the past few weeks has been a whiplash of emotions one minute i’m fine and the next i feel like i could scream and give up! i have amazing people in my life who i know i can talk to but sometimes i keep it to myself because i worry they have enough going on in their own lives and don’t need the stress of worrying about me! i’m forever telling others that they need to talk i should most prob take my own advice!

Having anxiety and depression together really sucks big time, parts of your brain are telling you that you suck, people don’t like you and another part of your brain agrees and can list all the reasons why they don’t and times when you might of made someone not like you etc even tho you know deep down it’s not true that little niggle is forever saying but it might be so safe to keep to yourself just incase.

I’m 31 i’ve dealt with depression one and off since i was 10 i’ve been at the point of giving up and ending my life many a time but always managed to stop myself from going threw with it, i’ve had all these years with my own brain trying to convince me of all these awful things that i think are true i mange to keep on top of it most of the time but that’s years of different ways of trying and still sometimes it wins and i sit and make myself feel awful with all these shitty thoughts.

In my opinion tho depression is piss easy to deal with compared to anxiety and paranoia that go hand in hand trying to fuck your thoughts up everyday! it never gives you any peace its constantly there no matter what you do. I got told i had these at the beginning of 2016 and i can honestly say its a constant battle everyday to cope with it, sometimes i have amazing days where i feel like i used to and i can get loads done and go out and do stuff but most of the time it beats me and i struggle to deal with it, it takes all my deepest fears and worries and uses it against me to a point where i have crazy panic attacks and i’m scared to even leave my house the place where my brain convinces me we are safe and don’t need to leave

OUTSIDE BAD!!!!!!!! INSIDE GOOD ❤

I’ve tried every tablet the doctor can recommend and not one has worked i’ve tried alternative medicines and nope non helped i’ve tried self help videos and playlists and nothing for more than one day worked. I’d love to be able to rewire my brain to pre 2016 the last time my brain wasn’t at constant war with me but i can’t so i hope that i finally find a way to make my brain chill and get back to some sort of ‘normal’ cause its exhausting when your at constant war with your own thoughts.

If you would have told me at 21 in ten years time girl some days your gonna be that stressed and scared by your own thoughts that your not gonna be able to leave the house i’d have laughed but that’s the reality of my life most days, i was managing some sort of normality before lockdown but now i’m right back to the start again which i hate and i think when it goes back to some sort of ‘normal’ it’ll take a while for me to feel ok and get back to being strong enough to get back to being able to go out without having a massive panic attack.

I struggle but i find talking about it makes me feel less ashamed about my mental health and when i cancel or don’t show up to things it’s not because i don’t want to its usually because i’ve sat and over thought the situation and everything that could go wrong and made myself ill so i end up not being able to go anyway.

I know i’ve spoken about my mental health a few times but i do it so if anyone else is going threw the same they know they’re not alone.

The best thing that i’ve ever found was a wonderful group on facebook called ‘Never be alone again NBLA’ and they are amazing! the work that they do in the group to help others is amazing i’d highly recommend joining if your struggling or need someone to talk to everyone is understanding and lovely and truly want to help others, i’ve seen members of the group really help and look after others when they’re at a low point and the people that run the group are just normal people like you and me who all have there own problems and struggles in life but take the time to make sure members are safe and ok they truly are the best group of people.

Life is a bit crazy at the moment and of course that effects every aspect of mental health so if people distance themselves for a couple of days and then come back like myself thats there way of dealing with bad days there’s not a lot you can do other than be there for them and let them know there free to talk about anything anytime cause let’s face it there’s not much a good giggle and catch up can’t help with its good for the soul ❤️

Xxxxxxx