Now don’t get me wrong i love my kids i would cause absolute murder for them and make folk go missing if they ever hurt them! but sometimes just sometimes (mostly half term and summer holidays) i would happily lash them in the wheelie bin and leave them there.
I have two wonderful crotch goblins. My son is nearly 9 and most days will have no problem telling me how much he hates me and how i’ve ruined his life ( to be fair lad you ruined everything from my 3 chins down when i was preggers so i think we might be even) mainly because i’ve dared to ask him to help me with something or put his dirty clothes on the wash (quick kid call childline that’s pure child abuse there!) I’m not ashamed to admit before now he’s proper pushed my buttons and i’ve told him he’s super lucky he’s not an adult because i’d have punched him by now 😐 He can be super sweet and lovely (usually when he wants something) and if i bribe him he will help me out around the house and put the bins out cause that’s a man job.
My daughter is 5 and unfortunately for the world is a mini version of me, i love her but if she had popped out first she would have been an only child like myself (my mum happily tells me i’m an only child because i was a terrible child and put her off having anymore for life!) child is just a ball of sass attitude and shes so stubborn that she’d make Satan cry trying to change her mind once its set on something its set! (at least i could be bribed as a kid with sweets to change mine she has non of it) She’s still at that age were she tells me a million times a day how much she loves me and still gives me hugs and kisses even at the school gates,now if i even thought of trying to kiss my son goodbye at school i’d be done for, you know when people say if looks could kill the look i’d get i would be well and truly fucked mate!
I was 21 when i fell preggers with my son i was 22 in the april and he popped out in the July and i’ve never been so scared in all my life, no matter what anyone says nothing can prepare you for becoming a parent you literally go in the hospital pop this little person out and couple hours later they wave you off with your little human in their carseat, your fanny on fire and walking like John Wayne cause your swollen,bleeding and the towel you have to wear feels like you’ve got a fucking mattress shoved in your knickers, your boobs leaking whenever they hear a baby cry within a 100 miles and you think what the fuck am i supposed to do now!!!!! This little squishy human is literally depending on me to keep them alive and healthy i can’t even ring the doctors to make an appointment i still get my mum to do it i think i’ve made a terrible mistake here.
I don’t give a shit what anyone says being a parent is one the hardest jobs you will ever do! also anyone that says a newborn is the hardest part they’re a bloody liar, yes you look like a crackhead because you haven’t slept for days and night feeds when we can never bloody remember how many bastard scoops we’ve put in the bottle and we have to start again, i would do newborn stage every day till they went to bed and woke up 18 over the terrible twos any day!
Your child goes to bed on the eve of their second birthday a little angel and wake up like they’ve turned into Damian the spawn of Satans ballsack over night, gone is your lovely little angel and its replaced with temper tantrums and kick offs usually in the middle of Asda when its packed and your on the verge of tears when you have to turn to good old bribery to get them to co operate and stop making an absolute show of you, at this point your usually sweating and a tit has fallen a bit out of your bra from bending down and you wanna flip the finger to all the old birds standing looking and tutting.
I’m not gonna give you any hope it just gets worse as they get older! they sort of start going back to being that little angel you once had and hormones start making an appearance and it all goes tits up again, so all i can say is make sure you have your alcohol and chocolate cupboard topped up weekly and its totally fine to call your own child an arsehole and give them the finger behind their back!
Being a parent is madness and it deffo isn’t perfect and you will make mistakes but as long as your kids are loved,fed,clean and healthy then your doing a good job high five! if anyone ever asks me what it’s like to be a parent i tell them the truth (pretty sure i’ve put a lot of my friends off having kids) i can’t be doing with the mums that make out its perfect and amazing all the time because its not i can’t remember the last time i was allowed to go for a poo in peace without a child following me and asking what i’m doing i’m going to the moon what does it look like i’m doing! i don’t even close the bathroom door anymore mainly because my kids worked out how to unlock it from the outside so its pointless really they just sit on the bottom step of the stairs having a convo about their day and if snails get there big shop delivered to their shell and where do they put it all (that is a real convo me and my daughter have had by the way!)
In a world where kids are growing up far to quick i think they should be allowed to enjoy being kids whilst they can sitting playing with their toys,going the park or starting a fight club re enactment with their brother, let kids be kids i can’t cope with the mums who live threw their kids you know the type that lash the kids in every after school or weekend club going the ones where the kids are in like 12 different clubs like dancing, acting, more dancing bloody bread making and what ever other class they can find to lash them in, behave let them sit and play and calm the fuck down. you know for a fact them kids will end up hating their mum when good old hormones kick in and will rebel so bad like getting tattooed, pissed in the park with their mates but get in such a state they’d need their stomach pumped or the ultimate fuck you mum you can’t tell me what to do they’ll go and get up the duff.
If you couldn’t tell i’m not your typical mum i was never gonna be a ‘normal’ mum i mean just look at me! my kids are told the truth about the world because at the end of the day i don’t want my kids growing up thinking the world is all flowers,rainbows and unicorns a place where everything is amazing and nothing bad happens because lets face it the real world is an absolute shit show of madness, unfortunately in my family we’ve had more deaths and funerals than we have weddings i learnt from a very young age that the one thing in life we can’t avoid is death and was gonna make sure that my kids knew the same, last year in the space of six months we lost their dads nan, my own nan and also the family dog we sat them both down and explained that obviously it was there time to go and be a bright star in the sky and that they’ll always be watching over us and always love us to which my daughter replied so there dead then yeah? she didn’t get what death meant she would still walk into my nans house and ask where she was or where she was hiding and once she realised that we weren’t gonna see them again she had a little cry and understood what it all meant. my son obviously being that bit older knew that them passing was final he wasn’t gonna see them again he was heartbroken to lose both great nans but the one he got most upset over was the bloody family dog! bella was the name of the family dog she was technically mine but my mum treated her like her baby she lived with her my son stayed over at his nans house and unfortunately was the one that found bella and was absolutely distraught over it, it broke my heart to know he at the tender age of 8 he was the one to find bella and automatically know that she was gone and be so upset about it and i wasn’t there in the moment to hold him and tell him he was ok and its ok to cry and be upset. I was brought up the same way my parents never sugarcoated anything if i asked them something they would tell me the truth even if i got upset they knew then that i’d get it and not grown up thinking the world was amazing and safe and nothing bad happened and i’m super grateful that they did that.
The only thing my parents could never prepare me for tho was other school mums jesus give me a funeral anyday! i am super lucky that my best friend or that dickhead is what shes lovingly known as is also a mum at the same school her daughter and my son are in the same year and when they where both in nursery we became friends waiting for them bloody doors to open we bonded over the fact we were both tattooed liked the same music and were both very fond of wine! six years later i’d be lost without her shes an amazing bird and if it wasn’t for her i’d not be able to cope with the dreaded school pick ups because we stand together and take the piss out of each other and piss ourselves laughing usually whilst getting funny looks of other mums! now don’t get me wrong 95% of the mums are pretty sound but there is them few you think oh for fuck sake not them again! there’s two mums at the school who i am genuinely a little scared off my son had a fight with one of the mums kids and i thought ffs you had a choice of any kid to fight with and you had a fight with theirs! shes gonna kill me i think i’m gonna cry :’) ( i was lucky she didn’t hurt me and i didn’t cry) there’s the mums who i honestly don’t think own any clothes only pjs there was a mum last week who brought their kid to school in pjs and a housecoat and just acted like it was an everyday thing! and then there’s always them little group of mums who know absolutely bloody everything about everyone and every little thing that is happening at school you’re seriously worried to fart in front of them in case they tell the whole school you’ve got a stinky arse that type. I’m that mum who usually misses all the kick offs at school (which i’m not happy about i love a good bit of drama who doesn’t!) but i think the best thing to ever happen in the school yard was we all recognised this woman and it clicked she’d been a guest on the good old Jeremy Kyle show, her fella had left her for her own daughter and she had been on the show about 12 times! and it was boss! everytime she would be back on the show we would whatsapp each other to catch up on what had been going on we were all gutted when she left the school.
like i’ve said i love my kids a lot but during summer holidays i start to wonder why i was mental enough to have kids there’s only so many times you can go the museums and parks before the kids start to plan riots because they’ve had enough but everywhere you bloody go is just full of other peoples kids and you wanna punch them its just crazy. 9 times out of 10 i can cope with me own kids but other peoples can fuck right off a post i once saw summed this up perfectly ‘kids are like farts you don’t mind your own but can’t stand anyone else’s!’ and its true. many a times during them glorious long six weeks of summer holidays i’ve thought about ways i can get rid of my kids for a bit, nanny is a godsend she takes them out for a few hours so i can stop sitting in the corner rocking and crying and go get a bath and have a hot brew then i’m sound but sometimes just sometimes i really do wish the goblin king was real i’d happily offer them to Bowie if he would of appeared in a whirl of wind and glitter and offered to take my kids for 13 hours whilst i took a leisurely stroll threw his maze and got to talk to other adults even if they where door knockers, hands and a big hairy ginger beast if it meant i got some peace and quiet, to be honest i’d even let him keep them and be his bird cause lets face it we’ve all seen Bowie in the Labyrinth and it’s not till your older you appreciate his tight costume and the Bowie bulge his wife must of always had a smile on her face the lucky bitch!
I’ve waffled on again about all the good and bad parts about being a mum and having kids and even when you sit there and think i’m totally not cut out to be a mum at all here this shit it hard! your kid will do something sweet and cute and you think aw ey its not all that bad really, don’t get me wrong them moments don’t always happen most of the time your sitting on the bottom step of your stairs wondering if 2pm is to early on a Saturday for a glass of wine (it’s not to early its the afternoon somewhere in the world) but when they do cherish them and remember even tho most of the time you might feel like your doing a shit job your doing awesome as long as there fed, clean and healthy you can pretty much wing everything else as you go along and hope for the best.
xxxx
Fat Bird Thinking 