Right i’m gonna go right in and be all serious and shit and talk about what effects so many people in this day and age and that is good old mental health.
I’m rather open and honest about my mental health i have suffered with depression since the age of 10 my nan passed away and my head went west for a long ass time since then i very rarely will show affection as my brain will always think if i start to show affection and love someone then good old death is gonna bop them off so if i insult you and call you names that’s my way of showing i give a shit about you in my own weird little way ok!
I am the worst for masking how i really feel with fake smiles and sarcasm and using them good old words ‘i’m fine honestly!’ when really it feels like someone saying boo will literally make me think fuck this shit i’m out mate, i have battled suicidal thoughts and to be honest the few things that stop me is the fact i have seen what suicide does to the people that are left behind after the person has gone, the thought of my kids growing up without me and the fact i could never leave my mum either.
I’ve self harmed in the past just to try and stop the pain and emptiness and at the time it helps cause you focus on the pain and it makes you feel good for five mins then your left with blood a scar and the shame of trying to hide them!
I suffer with anxiety its horrific i hate it to be honest its basically your own brain and little conspiracy theories about yourself and the situation you’re in its bullshit. I’m slowly learning to handle it but theres been times when i’ve not left the house for weeks and everytime i’ve tried to leave the house i’ve had a massive panic attack and broke down but i am determined to not let it rule and ruin my life! i have some awesome days and i think is right girl you’ve got this other days i run my kids to school at the last possible minute so there not late run back home and sink to the floor sobbing and unable to breathe, i can’t go to town unless i’ve had a drink as its to many people and its manic i seriously can not remember the last time i went to town to go shopping which is awful cause i fucking love primark the only thing thats happy about that is my bank account.
I can’t remember the last time i went on public transport either the thought of travelling and being stuck in a position where i’m trapped makes my chest tight and scares the shit out of me i also can just about get a taxi to places if i’m not going to be in it for any longer than five ten mins max.
I’m the worst for cancelling plans or saying ‘oh i’ll have to see i’ll let you know!’ because my brain is a bit of dickhead and automatically tells me something bad will happen if i go out it’ll make me think anything from your gonna spill a drink and make a show better to just stay in girl to girl your gonna end up throwing up,pissing yourself or shitting your pants just stay in the house where your safe and nothing bad can happen.
you might read all this and think fucking hell love giving us your life story here! but like i said i’ve always been honest about my mental health struggles jesus i’ve been on so many different anti depressants and anti anxiety pills and still yet to find one that actually helps me! but the point is if someone reads this and even just a little bit of it you think fuck i do that to then you know your not alone!
I always say that the biggest enemy you will ever have in your life is your own brain and your thoughts its supposed to be there and look after you but sometimes it can be a massive dick and make you feel the worst.
The only thing i can say is be nice to others and think if someone said something like that to me would it upset me or play on my mind and if the answer is yes don’t say it! in a world where its pretty shit at times and bad things happen all the time be nice and don’t be a dick!
xx
Fat Bird Thinking 